Ability & what about...

In this week's reading about ability and self-efficacy, I find myself wondering about kids (okay, people in general) like myself. I will admit to still having many tendencies I developed throughout elementary, middle, and high school-- and even college.

As a high-achieving kid, I always assumed that having to put in effort meant that I wasn't good at something. I hated practicing piano because I figured I shouldn't have to (and I got through 12 years of piano lessons, progressing, without much practice at all). Learning fractions brought me to tears because it didn't come naturally. No one ever told me that trying meant that I was stupid. (edit: I do realize, in retrospect and upon further reflection, that I was fairly consistently praised for work that was below my ability level but still great for the grade/age I was... and that I was praised for completing work very quickly. That certainly didn't help my views on effort.) I honestly think that, in most of my classrooms, the teachers did try to institute a learning goal environment. We had choices and opportunities for self-directed learning, we worked in cooperative groups, and my teachers gave actual, concrete feedback-- not just grades.

And while, at 24, I know that putting in effort does not mean that you aren't good at something-- and I know, as a teacher, that I want my students to know and believe this too-- I have trouble actually living by it. I've never had to try very hard, and I resent having to put in much effort.

For example, I took Chinese my freshman year of college. I was excited and ready to learn a new language. I had grand visions of being fluent in English, Spanish, and now Chinese. As the class progressed and I wasn't at the top of the class-- not only that, but I had to try really hard to even barely pass on the quizzes-- I decided I would quit Chinese. I passed it off as though I hadn't really wanted to take Chinese anyway-- that it was a silly, whimsical fancy of a freshman in college. I was protecting my GPA. When would I even want to use Chinese anyway? It's not like I would be returning to China and relying on my Mandarin skills. If I was going to study abroad anywhere (which, incidentally, I didn't, because I was afraid I wouldn't make it in a new place), it would be a Spanish-speaking country. I didn't need the language credits. I had already fulfilled them by rocking the AP Spanish exam and the Spanish SAT IIs. So I dropped Chinese. I still got a B- in my second semester. But in my mind, I had to try really hard, so it wasn't worth it.

Similarly, my senior year in college, I decided to finally fulfill that silly math requirement that my liberal arts college had in place. I decided to take the easiest course offered. I had barely made it through AP Calculus in high school (you know, with an 85% or something like that-- in my mind, barely passing), so I signed up for "Mathematical Concepts without Calculus." I rarely went to class, and was annoyed when I deigned to show up for a quiz or test and it was hard. I took the class credit/non-- again, to protect my GPA. I was majoring in art. I could do basic math. Why did I even need to fulfill this silly requirement?

Seeing a pattern here? I know I am. What I want to know is how, after 24 years of having this mentality, I can reverse it. I need to relearn how to think about my own abilities, and how to accept that effort (especially on things that don't come naturally and that I don't necessarily see the immediate value of) is, in fact, a good thing. I also want to know how I can work to prevent this in my own high-achieving students. I can practically guarantee you that they probably feel similarly.

I was just talking to a friend (who graduated high school at 15) who has a similar mentality to me. An excerpt of our gchat (used with her permission):

Kaitlin: oh me too

me: i guess

and i want to know why we feel that way

Kaitlin: what you wrote is exactly what I feel

and if you're not good at it, you don't like it, and avoid it

me: YES

exactly

Kaitlin: by not good I mean, have to actually study, or take more than 15 minutes on it

me: which i want to touch on, too

yep

Kaitlin: not even "not good" by conventional standards

it's "not IMMEDIATELY good"

me: yep

Kaitlin: yeah, it's important to try to figure out why that is

and how the cycle can be broken

and if you find out how, please let me know

Interesting, isn't it? We attended the same high school. Our high school was an amazing place, and I definitely worked hard... sometimes. One fault of our school was that "passing" was 80%. It seemed great in theory. Push already bright kids to really try, to really succeed and prove their mastery. In practice, I feel like I need to stop trying to protect my image and my mentality as soon as I feel like I might be approaching a less-than-B kind of grade.

So how do I change my mindset? How do I prevent this problem for my own students? Because I honestly know these things-- I went through a teacher prep program and honestly do believe that putting in effort is a GOOD thing. So why do I resent it when I have to do it? Why do I quit as soon as tasks get hard and put up walls? And how can I change it?